Updated: Dec 26, 2020
You know the typical narrative around our periods? The one that says we are uncontrollably emotional. More then usual? For awhile I've thought maybe it's one of our super powers. Hear me out! Women are naturally emotional, and I would guess a lot of us don't welcome, or work with those emotions enough to know what they're trying to tell us. So we spend the months not really acknowledging. But then our periods come and it's like the floodgates open up. I think I've learned that the flood is a good thing. That like our flow, our emotions flow too. To bring up the things we need to look at, to accept, and sometimes, like last night for me, to tell to go FUCK OFF!
I didn't know that the overwhelming emotions could be helpful. Could be the mirror we refuse to look in. The monster we refuse to face. But maybe there's some sacred beauty behind our periods. I'll give you some back story.
I'm married to a man who brings up all my shit, so that I can love and accept myself better. When we were first married neither of us had any clue that was a thing. And it was toxic. Now almost 20 years later, with lots of growth on both sides, we have evolved to the point where we can most of the time put our egos aside, or let them be there, while we talk about our pain points. It's gotten easier as time has gone by. I think I'm a complete mess, and sometimes wonder how the hell he got so evolved when I'm the one doing the most inner work! But none the less I have come to understand that we pick the people and family in our lives for a reason.
No one knows me better then my husband. Last night, while on my period, we got into a HUGE discussion about my fears, and why I have them, why if I didn't have them I'd be so much happier. I know he's right, but my brain screams that it's just not something I can do. This time in our lives has not changed much for us because we were home together before this. But I can feel the collective fear, and I can recognize when my soul is crying out for saving and healing. So, I'm sitting there admitting that holding on to an idea from 20 years ago isn't good, but also feeling like I don't know how to let go. For the first time I actually acknowledged that voice in my head that keeps telling me the stories that say I'm not worthy, or I'm not good enough, or I'm going to be judged, etc, etc....blah blah blah!
Well I think I snapped. Because after talking and crying for an hour or more, I took a shower. I don't know about you but showers are sacred for me. The most shit gets unloaded in the shower. I proceeded to be completely tired of that bitch in my head that keeps saying if I do something, my husband is gonna judge me. Because after all this time, I can't let him win. "Whatever kind of shit that is!" I don't like her! But I've been so used to her voice, and the way she makes me feel, that the idea of not believing her truly never occurred to me. But let me tell you, I told her to FUCK OFF! That I was tired of her straight lies! That it's like being in an abusive relationship, and finally you snap and you realize it's all bullshit, and you don't deserve to be treated that way. Cue the UGLY CRY, and the complete breakdown.
I put up a post the other day on Insta with the message that the most profound personal growth happens in the the middle of the conflict when you are doing the same old thing, and you suddenly realize that you have a choice.
That's what funnily enough hit me last night. That I have a choice. Not even that I have a choice on what I say to myself, but that I have a choice whether to listen to the lies my brain and old programming are telling me. I'm not trying to rewrite the script in one day. At this point I'm just trying to recognize how often this bitch comes up and feels like talking, so I can tell her to sit the fuck down! I know I have learned and am re reading one of my favorite books, that says the way to heal is to accept everything exactly as it is. That fighting the fear never got anyone anywhere. I know that's true, but I also am starting to believe that it's OK to tell it where to go every once in awhile. Especially if it jump starts the rest of the accepting process. If it makes me feel better, and empowers me then I say go for it. Technically there are no rules, it's whatever works for you. As long as you are being honest with yourself, and of course you know when you're facing some old fears, and rather you're ignoring them, or trying to heal them. Sometimes the healing process involves getting mad. And there is sacred work in that.
I remember someone saying think about what you would say and how you would treat a 5 year old. You would never hold them down, talk negatively or do anything that would hamper their precious soul. But man as an older woman, we are rude as fuck to ourselves, and it's time we stop. Tell the bully to go away. Recognize that we don't need it anymore. Once you truly know that, she stops. Then it's easier to replace it with new beliefs.
So, what beliefs or thoughts in your head could you tell to FUCK OFF once and for all, because it's exhausting listening to her. What are you done being bullied over. Or have you gotten to that point yet. If not just take a quick second as you go through your day and listen to the hidden thought that tries to not be hidden. The ones buried in the back, but come up sneakily. Those ones that have become background noise, but are still there none the less. Sometimes she doesn't shout, but she's still there. Time to look her in the eyes, and say NO MORE!